A new journey

Change is in the air... I can feel it. So deep to the point of almost being able to taste it. Papa, what is next?

Seeking, searching, excitement, apprehension.

Papa... I want to allow you to guide my steps.

Still more changes

Changing our diet is easier than I thought. Not easy, but easier than I thought. Trying to figure out what my body can/will tolerate while trying to find the triggers. Gluten is gone (again), trying to figure out if dairy should go next or sugar? or can we do both at once? I must say, I have the most patient and tolerant kid I know while we do this. He is being a real trooper.

Sitting her now working on a shopping list. Hoping to feel well enough tomorrow to get to the store. Pretty tired of feeling so sick, but so very thankful I can work from home on the days that I just cannot make my body get to the office.

Smiles
Summer
Hugs
Fun
Blessing
Patient boy

Life.is.good

A new approach

I think I caught the Munch off guard this morning. Before walking out the door for work I felt like I needed to stop and let him know how much I love him. I stopped him and held his face, looking into his eyes and told him I love him. That no matter how his day progressed it would not change that. I told him that in the end I could care less about school, I care about what happens in his heart and mind. He looked surprised... and had the best day he has had in a while. I received a GREAT report from his teacher at the end of the day. Hmmm... Coincidence? I do love this little monkey. He is amazing. I want to see his heart healed.

Healing
Strength
Freedom
Peace
Kindness
Love
Hope

Each day

Taking each day as it comes, trying not to borrow trouble from tomorrow. Today was a good day with the Munch. Looking forward to church with him tomorrow and then the ride home.

Realization

It has been an interesting week this week without the munchkin. It has been good for both of us for him to have this time away during his school break. I was reminded how much I do enjoy having him around. I really do love this small boy. There is much work to be done in our relationship. It amazes me how disconnected a mom and kiddo can become. We are floundering. I feel like I am drowning slowly.
I arrived here in Redding this evening to pick Ty up. I am struggling. I have allowed my heart to become so disconnected. So very disconnected. I am not sure how to fix this. Tonight hurts. As I sit here typing, Ty is across the room reading a book. I see him, so near but so far away. It hurts to see his heart hurt. Papa... I need your help. We need you.

Communication...
broken
communication.

Susanna & Francesco

They are married... wow. I have never attended a wedding anything like this one. It was gorgeous, elegant, relaxed, fun, tender, honoring, creative and so incredibly THEM. I never anticipated going to a wedding and feeling so incredibly soaked in the presence of God. I wish there was a way to upload my visual/sensory memories of all that was this celebration. I don't want to easily forget. I am finding it has left me with much to ponder... and that is good.

watching and listening

Well, after our first attempt last night to hit the road (turned back due to weather and traffic) we ended up leaving at 5am for Redding. We are now here at the Healing Rooms (Ash's request). While we wait for her, I am sitting in HeBrews with a group of treasure hunters at the table next to me. What a TRIP! So fun to listen to them and to watch. As I sat down they happened upon a treasure. So very fun to listen to them all pray. They surrounded this guy... it was awesome. As I watch and listen it makes me wish I was more bold. I am not sure why I am so timid as far as sharing what I believe. I would say that a good portion of those I know away from church would have no idea I am a Christian. Not because my life is so opposite of what they would perceive a Christian to be (well, maybe in some ways I'm not!), but simply because I do not share it. They are usually pretty fascinated to realize that I am not a partier, I live a pretty clean life (to their standards), but I never share where my heart is. Why? Am I ashamed of my faith? Afraid of what others think? Afraid that my way of walking out my faith is wrong and therefore a bad example to others? Probably a little bit of all of it in a way. I am not ashamed of my faith, I am ashamed of what I see when I look in the mirror. Ashamed of who I have been and the history that is my life. I am bad at expressing what I believe and why. I do not do well with theological discussions.  For me it has been simple, I know what my life was before Christ. I know what my life is now that He is a part of it and I know that God is what made the difference. Period. What is there in that to defend when people question how I could believe what I do? When cornered I am left feeling lost and like a horrible Christ follower. All due to being lousy at defending what I believe other that to say I know what and who saved me and I know without Him I would be lost.
The treasure hunters all left in search in more treasure around the city. I am sorry to see them so. The energy they radiated was so warm. Their excitement spoke to something deep in me that has been so icy cold for ages now. Papa?

Freedom
Peace
Calm
Loved even still

silence

Well... the silence probably says more than words would as far as how my plan to find the positive has gone. Never imagined it would be the struggle it has been. While I HAVE been able to find positive, I have struggled to really see it and in turn grab onto it. Life has been a struggle. I have spent the better part of the last 2 years feeling like I have been losing my mind. Waking each day feeling like you are losing your sanity bit by bit does a number on your heart and mind. It has done much to tear me apart as a parent, as an employee and as a general human being. Yuck. Plain and simple... yuck. The thing is... it is such a lie. A lie I have believed hook, line and sinker for more years than I care to acknowledge. Retraining my brain and heart is now a process. One that takes more focus and energy than at times I feel I have. (I must say that 5 years of sleep deprivation did NOTHING to help) I am taking each day as it comes, trying hard to do what I can to change things where possible and believe truth as I am reminded of it. He is so very patient to love and remind me. He is also gracious in His corrections. We are going to get there... where is there? I have no idea, but we are on a journey and I know He is not going to leave me lost in the woods somewhere. Here is where I get to make a choice that is so counter to what I am accustomed to... I get to trust. I suck at trusting. It is a moment by moment conscious choice. I also get to be thankful for each day I have been given.

Trust
HOPE
Choosing
Finding
Hanging on

Day five

FANTASTIC day at the zoo with the munchie. I need to sit down and write. I am learning lots as I embrace each day.

Day four

It is very hard to keep walking forward without looking at the past with regret. It is a moment by moment battle. If I get caught up regret for the past I stop living in the present. I am determined to enjoy the present with the gifts I have been given. Tomorrow will be a day of adventures and living in the moment with my munchkin. We are headed to the SF Zoo.

Night!

Day three

Wash, rinse and repeat of Day 1.

Day two

:-) Hopeful today. Circumstances have not changed, but I am still choosing a positive perspective. You only have one life... LIVE IT. I have no intention of simply being a spectator any longer.

Wind

The wind is blowing tonight. I feel change coming in it. I find myself wanting to go out and just sit in the wind, sit in the wind and listen. Let it blow over me and possible quiet the storm in my heart and mind. Let my spirit feel what is coming. I am not sure if I should be afraid or just run with whatever it might be. I know with all that is in me that change needs to come. However, I find myself fearful of what that change could mean. Even when things are broken, it can often appear easier to live within the brokenness as it is familiar. I am reminded of a picture I received years ago. I had been through a devastating experience. While trying to process it one night, as I sat in the dark I saw a shelf with a clay heart. Something caused the shelf the rock and the heart fell and shattered. I saw my hands frantically scrambling to pick the shards up. I wanted to badly to hold onto the pieces tightly so I could fix it, but when I looked down at my hands they were sliced opened and bloodied. Gaping wounds in my hands. The very thing I was trying so desperately to hold together and fix was causing more injury. I sit here now afraid to look and see what I am holding onto that it is time to let go of. What am I holding onto that I need to loosen my grip on and let slide away. I am afraid to look.

Day one

The journey begins. Today I get to try out a new perspective, a perspective where I choose to see the positive, choose to laugh and choose to be myself. I am not sure about you, but I am terrible about just letting myself be, just that, myself. I have a tendency to meld to what I think people want me to be. A terrible habit for sure. Today marks day one of breaking that habit. A chance to begin anew and ENJOY. Not being myself does not feel right. It certainly takes a lot of enjoyment out of life. I realize how much I like to laugh, how odd my sense of humor is, yet how much others laugh and enjoy it when I let it out. Yay for a new day! Yay for the life stretched out in front of me! Hooray for the opportunity to set the past behind and move beyond the regrets of opportunities not seized, chances not taken. Life is not over yet, I am who I am today and will seize the opportunities before me to grow and enjoy tomorrow.

Packing my bags

It is time to start writing again. The thoughts here will not always be the most coherent, this is the place where I choose to come and sort out my thoughts. It will be a travel journal of sorts. Tomorrow marks day one of a new journey. I know where my starting point is... where am I headed?